It's easier to stay in the fortress of your apartment, letting no one in and removing the ability to get hurt. It's easier to not reach out when you're having a terrible day and not "bother anyone". It's easier to believe the lies that you're an awful person who's never going to amount to anything and that the world would be a much better place without you.
It may surprise some of you that this is far too often my struggle. I'm so upbeat and positive and believe all the good things for everyone around me because some days I still don't have it figured out to do all that for myself.
Crap happens in life and gets all of us at one point or another. Whether you've been betrayed, manipulated, taken advantage of, lied to, abused, forgotten, or ignored we all carry pain we don't like to talk about. And maybe that's ok. Maybe it's ok to focus on the light and do our best to ignore the darkness. But we can't let it win. And when was the last time you won a battle by ignoring your enemy?
I know one of my biggest downfalls is not admitting when I'm not ok. It's gotta get really bad and there be some sort of crisis on my hands before I'll be truly honest and reach out for a hand or make a phonecall or even just pray about it. I'm the first one to care about everyone around me and the last to remember myself. That may seem admirable but is it really when it's just deflection? Is it really admirable when I focus on what everyone else needs to ignore the pain I feel? Sure, there's some good fruit in it, but damn is it unhealthy. And all it does is lock me into the cycle I've been in for years. Top of the world. Bottom of the barrel. Repeat. Sometimes it's months before I make the switch but I always do.
Why am I typing all this mess up now? Cuz if there's one way to fight the darkness it's to bring it to light. I am by no means encouraging anyone to identify themselves by the struggles you have. But what stays in the shadows will always have a hold over you. Im not asking you to publicly share what's happened, what gets to you, what darkness holds you down at night and steals your sleep. But tell someone. Get it off your chest. And heck, if any of this that you've read sounds like you, maybe you and I both need to find a way to ask for help when we need it.
You are more than the words you tell yourself when no one is listening. You are more than the lies you'd never repeat. There is hope for you friend if you choose to believe. To all my hurting friends who struggle with darkness, let the light shine. And be free.
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