The past few weeks have been some of the most trying yet, defining moments of my life. So much so, that I don't think that I can even grasp the depth of what's happened. And if I'm honest, its not just the past few weeks, its the culmination of what has happened the past few years.
Some of you have heard a version of my story before, and there's not time to tell it all here. Nor am I ready to write every detail of it all down quite yet. That's something to be experienced in person over a meal, a beer, coffee, whatever your social setting of choice is. But here are some of the points in the journey that have brought me to such a pivotal point thus far.
A few years ago I was on the brink of ending it all. Which, I've found out is typically a good indicator of the potential for a massive change of direction in your life. Because in those moments, in those moments is when you cannot hide from the reality you currently reside in. It is face to face with you and you have to do something. You can no longer go on as is. Many people don't know how to or cannot comprehend the idea of change. So they are forced to take the only option they think possible... To end their reality as they know it indefinitely.
I was at one of these crossroads a few years back. It was late, my ex unexpectedly came over to see my roommates (we were all friends) and that brought up too much hurt for me to handle. So, naturally, I thought i would drown my sorrows in a few drinks. If you've been there, you know its never worth it and it never works. All it did that night was to bring me to my crossroads where I had to acknowledge all my pain. Not just the pain from my ex leaving me, but all the pain I had been running from for over 20 years.
Needless to say, it was far more than i could handle. And, to be honest, I didn't even realize nor could i comprehend the depth of what was going on in that moment. I snuck away from my friends at the bar and walked a couple blocks to the bridge which I planned to throw myself off. I texted a friend saying i was done and turned off my phone so he couldn't talk me out of what i was about to do. The next thing I remember... I was in my room, throwing my phone. Angry that I was still in pain and I passed out in bed.
The next morning I woke up empty. Hollow. How could I go back to the way things were when I finally saw all that i was ignoring and said it was too much? I couldn't. I had tried to find hope or happiness so many times and now here I was a failure at even being able to turn off the pain. I'm a fast paced individual and rarely stop. That started because I had to run from what I couldn't recognize. Since then, it stems from a hunger for life and the desire to experience everything I possibly can. Anyways, I laid in bed in this empty state for 4 hours. It may not seem long to you but it was an eternity.
But... Then I got a text from a friend asking me to come to "this thing" in my town that evening. I didn't even care to find out what it was. I needed to get out of this stagnant state I was in. I agreed and a few hours later I found myself at church. In another worship service, listening to another guy speak. I grew up in church and knew this scene well. It promised hope, happiness, freedom, joy. Yet rarely if ever delivered. Hence why I found myself in a bar the night before looking for something real. Something tangible. But it wasn't laying in my bed depressed and alone not moving. So, I was there.
When the speaker got up to speak, something was different. I mean, I had done all of this before. But my previous experience with church and God was that of a scientist studying something and reporting their factual findings to you. This was different. This was a man who had actually met God and His very essence came with this man as he spoke. As in many services, the invitation was given to come up front and "give your life to God". I had seen this 100 times before and saw the same people going up again and again out of a place of broken insecurity needing to be validated in their "relationship with God" by getting the warming attention and affection of church members who would on cue flock them and validate their "conversion". It was unauthentic and I wanted nothing to do with that.
But there I was, two words into him inviting people to come and i was shuffling out of my row and running down the isle. That night everything changed. I stood there for 45 minutes in the presence of a God, a being, a Father who this speaker knew and who he said wanted to meet me. The authenticity and realness of Him was so loudly evident. My body was there in that church building, but for the first time I felt free. My spirit was soaring. Many of the things I had grown up to hear over and over in church started to make sense.
I went home that night and told God after meeting him and finding that he was real, "You can have my life. Take it all. Whatever that looks like. I want you." Within 24 hours my band disbanded. And not by my choice. At the time I had built music as my identity. I identified myself as a musician, as a singer, as a band guy instead of identifying myself as a son.
The next thing to go about a month later were my jobs. I spent all my free time talking to and conversing with this... being... this real person who loved me that when he asked me to quit my jobs, I did. I had no idea what was coming. I had no idea what was next. But I knew that he would take care of me. (Now, I'm sharing my experience. Please do not feel that in order to have a journey with God you need to stop practicing your talents and stop working. This is merely my account and my story.)
Fast forward another couple of months and I found myself in a car with a friend on my way to Nashville. No plans. No money. But we made it. Once I got here, there was setup after setup to find the right people. Masterfully, intricately like a skilled surgeon God was slowly expanding my idea of him and simultaneously erasing the things I believed about him that were not true. Along the journey there were many times I missed and got it wrong, but his grace was so big to cover it. Friends I mistakenly hurt and took advantage of. Lives I temporarily sidetracked thinking it was ok because I was "called by God" and "anointed".
Somewhere in the past couple of weeks through some conversations with a good friend of mine, the pieces finally came together. I'm not saying I have everything figured out, that would be super arrogant of me. But I do know that all things that don't make sense about God, don't make sense for a reason. And typically because they are not true. I know that when Jesus died, it was all paid and finished then. Not when I acknowledged it. Then. Which means, I'm free. I've been a son all along and that was the whole point. I chased dreams and prophetic words but it was all missing the point. I'm a son of the Creator of all things. And not only that, but he loves me extravagantly like no one else could. The freedom I have is incomparable to anything else.
Today is the last day of "yesterdays". Today is the last day I define myself by anything I can do or have done. That chapter has ended. Yes, I know I'm basically at the point of tabling everything I once believed and letting the one who calls himself Love teach me everything from beginning to end. Yes, I know that all there is in front of me is unknown. But it is the most exciting, wonderful thing I've ever known. Here's to the past. But, more importantly, here's to the glorious unknown. Here's to the new day. The clean slate I get to wake up with everyday. Nothing is hanging over my head. Nothing but love and freedom and endless possibility.
I'm not going to disrespect you by trying to sell you anything or convince you of my experience. My intent is to share my journey in hopes that it brings some freedom and hope to your life. That if you find yourself looking into the mirror for the first time and are force to a crossroads of change, you can do it. It's scary, but that's what makes a good story or great adventure. Without risk, without danger, or the unknown, there would be no growth or great story on the other side. Keep fighting. Keep going. Keep living your journey. It may be today, it may be tomorrow. It may be a few years from now. But one day you will look back and see that what looked like the darkest days where actually some of the most pivotal and significant days of your life. Carry on friends.
With Love,
-Tony Skinner
