Friday, November 18, 2016

A Paradigm Shift

A lot has happened over the journey of the past few months. My whole paradigm has shifted. And as is typical with huge shifts in paradigm it's easy to feel empty and hollow. Because what once was there to ground you and help you feel normal is gone. Leaving you floating, searching for an anchor of sorts.

The transition is always the hardest. The storms, the constant possibility of imminent disaster. But these are the very circumstances that create timeless stories that are told through the ages. These are the tales that forge heroes and villains alike.

I will start what I am about to share with an honest disclaimer. I am merely sharing my story, or a piece of it rather. There is no intent to manipulate or convince you of my perspective. I could care less if you agree but only hope that my perspective causes you to think and that it helps you to grow.

The journey I've been on has mainly been a spiriatul one. Chasing God and doing every thing I thought he wanted me to do. Why? Because I had encounter after encounter with him where he showed me he was real. I kept doing so he would keep coming. In my perspective I tried to earn his relationship. The funny thing is I didn't know that my mere existence had won his heart before I even had the ability to comprehend him.

I've been in and out of church circles, volunteered at various church groups, helped the homeless, chased every avenue of the supernatural I could find, all for a taste of him. All for just a touch of his love. The greater lengths I went to, the more I let myself receive of him. It worked for awhile. But, like any relationship it was hollow. There wasn't real intimacy or relationship. I was a really really good employee. That was it.

Somewhere in the past couple of months a few friends and some more unsought experiences brought me to the place where I've let go of chasing and trying to prove my love to God, whose heart was won by me the moment I existed. It doesn't make sense to me anymore. The rules. The hoops. The games we have to play just to appease him. I'm done. I'm done chasing and believing in a God who is so full of himself that our mistakes are the stench in his nostrils. I'm done living in fear and obligation always trying to be so put together for his sake and his name. I'm done trying to prove my love and earn his.

If that means I'm going to hell, if that makes me a heretic... we'll, ok. I'd rather be wrong than accept a reality where a God who is so loving is so bound by a book documenting his relationship with other humans. It's good history and let's study it. But I cannot believe their relationship with him is more important than my own with him anymore.

So, here's the conclusion I've come to: I'm not a Christian. It's oddly freeing saying that. I'm a guy who has a relationship with a God who apparently made everything. But, the face that he made everything is not all that fascinating to me. What fascinates me is that he is my friend. Faithful and always there. When I could only handle believing the perspective of him needing to be my boss, he played the role cuz that's what I needed then. He is the best friend a person could ever have.

Sure, this transition has had its ups and downs as all good stories do. But there is freedom and peace here unlike anything I've ever known. It's odd not being so compelled by doing what I feel like I have to do and trying to discover who I am and what I love all over again, but that's all going to be written and experienced in the chapters ahead.

Once again, this isn't to start a debate or convince anyone of anything. Many of you have asked why I've been silent on my page and have taken a step back from many things I've done previously. This is why. And as much as you can do digitally, this is me being transparent and inviting relationship and sharing my perspective with anyone who would care to hear it. Hopefully it's encouraging to you and not too offensive. To each of you who read this through, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time.