Victim vs. Legend

I recently had a mentor share with me an exercise his mentor shared with him. He told me to write down 20 things that happened in my life that got me to where I was. And then write 10 things I know I need to work on. I spent a few hours writing down many of the major events that have happened in the past few years. Some things misunderstood until they were written out before me. Other things tragic and painful to recall.

I thought about posting some of those ugly details for everyone to read. In the name of transparency. That maybe someone else could identify with them and be encouraged. I wasn't quite sure why I waited to post those stories. But then I realized my focus was all wrong. Today as I was mowing the lawn I had a revelation. "This is not my story. These are not my defining moments. These are the moments that life tried to hold me back from my true story. I will not be defined by these moments any longer. I am not the victim."

Something has shifted within me. It's been less than 24 hours since my new discovery but I know I've changed. I am not less fortunate or disadvantaged because of the things that lie in my past. I am stronger. I am most fortunate that the events behind me did not break me, they forged me. I don't know if you've ever watched a master blacksmith forge a blade that legends are made of. Well, to be honest, I haven't either. But, when a blade is forged it takes countless hours of being heated to the point where the metal is pliable. And then pounded for strength and shape. This process is repeated again and again until the blacksmith decides the steel has been folded enough times and the shape is just right.

Once the pounding is complete, then comes the sharpening. A stone moved across the length of the blade over 1,000 times to remove any excess metal and create a sharp edge that will not dull at the first sign of resistance. Life has a way of putting us into the furnace and pounding us repeatedly. If we let it continue to repeat it's process and become what it molds us into, we can become legends. Few ever come across or choose to see this perspective. But those who do are not victims of their life and circumstances. No, they are weapons of legend in the process of being forged. Who, once the process has finished, will know no impossibility and be held back by no obstacle.

Which will you choose to be? The victim. Or one in the process of being forged into legend?

Couch Lessons

As I'm crawling into bed tonight, I find myself thinking back over the events of the day. Today I helped a couple friends move a couch into their apartment. I found myself riddled with excitement throughout the entire experience. But why? What made an evening moving furniture so amazing that I'm reminiscing and breaking down what happened today?

It wasn't the potion looking bottle of "organic" vodka they got me as a thank you and a bit of a joke. It wasn't the terrible traffic we were stuck in due to the beautiful storm happening while this whole adventure was underway. It wasn't even the storm itself, despite how much I love storms. It wasn't the tasty meal we had of amazing brick oven pizza. It wasn't the dogs jumping on me with excitement when I walked in their door. It wasn't the ride in the uhaul on the floor, even though I love to travel in odd ways.

It was tasting the beauty of something you cannot buy. A great time with authentic friends. You can find people to spend an evening with anywhere. But friendship, real friendship, the kind where it doesn't matter what you're doing or where you are you just enjoy each other, is hard to find. I've found myself these days becoming a connesseuir of finer things. And I can honestly say that one of the finest things I've found in life is honest friendship.

It doesn't take money, opportunity, fame, success, knowledge, connections, or anything other than the willingness to be a friend to someone to taste one of the most incredible things we can experience in life. So don't get too caught up trying to make your house immaculate, or rounding out your collection of whatever it is you collect. Don't get sucked into another episode of another TV show that only plays out friendship in front of you. Enjoy the people in your life NOW. Take the time to build those relationships and before long hopefully you will find yourself like I was today, happy as can be to be driving down the road to pick up a couch.

Courage to Cross the Ocean

I was just doing some thinking tonight. About some of the journey I've been on and how I've literally had to start over more than once in the past couple years in one way or another.

Then I realized that my new foundation is being built with much better people. People who will encourage and support me to keep doing videos like Casie. People like Wes who don't hold back on feedback to help me grow. People like Charlene who've helped remind me that my work and work ethic is seen and valuable. People like Donald who show me that despite being in the shittiest hole, one can climb out and change their stars. People like my friend Chuck who could be so bitter about church and religion but instead uses his experience to help others avoid or shorten the time of pain and move right into enjoy life to the fullest. People like my brother, who despite my endless failures and mistakes that cost him, never stop loving me or showing up in my corner believing the best for me. People like my buddy Chad who is following his dreams despite what others may say and what it may cost him. Everyone in my life is an inspiration to me to be a better and better version of me each day.

On the financial side of things, I make more money now than I ever have in my life and there is only more headed my way.

With this perspective, I'd rewind back to that day I decided to throw it all away a few years ago. I would start over again if I knew it would bring me here.

My sister in law does calligraphy and water color painting. She made a piece of art for me with this quote, " You can never cross the ocean, unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."

Sometimes, if you want to taste another reality, you have to say goodbye to all you know and go for it. I cannot promise an easy journey or immediate results. But I can promise that at some point in your journey, if you truly commit and stay the course, you will say it is worth it.

Making Excuses

Some days I get here. Some days I flounder in this place of mental sludge and mediocrity. Some days all my tricks to get out just seem to fall short of picking the lock to the door of this room I feel trapped in.

The truth is, I'm probably just tired. It's probably way too late for my mind and emotions to function properly, yet here I am. Awake. And functioning. So, I'm typing a rant. Something that will start meh, but by the end of it have some sort of positive twist to it. It always does. That's why you're here. Reading this right now. I guess I won't disappoint. I'll be sure to make sure I'm going somewhere with this by the time I finish.

Everything is good. Great even. Work is great. I'm excelling and growing there. Got my first gym membership this week. I guess I'm growing up. The house is coming together with new dishes, new tables and chairs, and new plans for 2017 to fill this house and build relationships.

I want to see people become the very best versions of themselves just by being in proximity to me. That's not arrogance that's determining purpose. I could care less if I get any credit. Especially public credit. I'd prefer that I don't, actually. I am built for the stage and spotlight, but I find myself more comfortable and pereferimg the backseat.

There are so many projects I have planned and started for this year. It should really be a fantastic year. Opportunities to invest in people and watch their lives change forever... nothing is more valuable to me. Helping people grow. I am more convinced now than ever that the very foundation of our existence is built upon relationship. Love is completely hollow and void without it. I truly believe that.

Ok, so maybe I lied. I still have no idea where I am going with this. But I'm not done yet so there's still time to wrap it up with a nice bow before the end.

I choose to remind myself and each of you tonight that hope is a choice. Faith and love, they are choices. So is hate. Or frustration. Yes things happen that may be frustrating. But it is our choice to stay in a state of frustration. Just as easily as we decide to choose frustration we can choose to laugh instead. Life is short and full of way to many reasons to get down, to be empty or sad. So start making excuses. Make excuses to laugh. Make excuses to forgive yourself. Make excuses to do what's right for you. Make an excuse to be proud of yourself. Go the extra mile to see yourself as you deserve to be seen. Even if no one else knows how to see you that way.

You are loved. You are beautiful. Your existence is inspiring. Your uniquness cannot be copied or rivaled by anyone. There is only one you. And if you hold back, or choose to be someone other than who you truly are, you rob the world of a special gift it can only have through you.

So loosen up. It will work out. If not in the way you expect this time around, then after you learn from this experience and apply what you've learned to your next try. You will succesed if you do not stop moving, if you choose not to stay down.

Regardless of whatever relationship we have, a friend, a family member, a reader who I've never personally met, I love you. Thank you for being who you are and gracing the world with your self.

Until next time...

Fears. The Lies We Face That Counter Reality

It's time for some transparency tonight. Partially to write out my thoughts so I can sort through them and partially to show anyone else in the same boat they are not alone.

What's my biggest fear? Ending up alone. And the dumbest part about it, the time I feel the weight of this irrationality is just after experiencing not being alone. For example, let's take today. I ended up going to to watch A Christmas Story in an old theater in Franklin. There happened to be a Christmas festival in the streets when we went as well. It was a great afternoon. After the movie we wandered around and grabbed dinner and the group of us just enjoyed each other's company. It was fantastic.

I walk back to the car and am on the road no less then a few minutes and the immediate lack of tangible company is a breeding ground for projecting irrational fears. That somehow im going to be miserable and have no community or relationships. That I'm going to be forgotten and not valued.

Now hold up. How dumb is that? I mean, come on. I was just with friends for an entire afternoon just a few minutes ago. On top of that, I make friends pretty easily. I enjoy pretty much everyone I get to know and somehow I believe that I'm going to be left stranded to rot on my own. Ya, it's pretty stupid. But the emotions that fuel this fire are very real. That's where i have to discern and be careful to not let the truth of what I feel out weigh the truth of my reality.

The truth is, me ending up alone and forgotten will only happen if I choose to make that my reality. If I let what I "feel", and the tangible truth that there is not a physical person here right now this minute, override the fact that I have loads of relationships just a text or phonecall away, that's on me. My reality is determined by ME. Sure I can focus on what I don't like about the stillness of the present moment or I can choose to focus on the great afternoon I just had. Or the next great adventure on my horizon.

I've heard it before a thousand times. What you focus on, multiplies. If you choose to focus on the irrational possibility that you'll end up miserable and alone, you may just defy the odds and make it happen.

So, the truth is this. I have wonderful relationships, yes plural, in my life. I couldn't get away with being alone if I tried. I am surrounded by people who love me too much to let me disappear. And chances are, so do you. But have you been focusing on the in between moments when you have some time to yourself? Are those the moments that fill your thoughts? Or are the good times surrounded by love and community what captivates you?

I guarantee you, whichever you choose you will see more of.

Thanks for taking the time to join me on this journey of my thoughts. Hopefully in some way they help or inspire you to enjoy everything that surrounds you.

As Your Heroes Change

As I'm lying in my bed tonight doing my traditional scroll through social media before I go to sleep I see yet another post from a hero who I used to look up to. I say used to, because I cannot look up to him like I once did. He no longer inspires me the way he did before.. The problem is, he didn't change. I did.

In my journey of trying to understand the divine, I didn't hold back. I was relentless and reckless along the way. I mean, it caused me to quit my jobs, travel across country in a breaking down vehicle with no plan and no money. The result has turned out great. I'm glad I got here. But the collateral damage has to beg the question, was there a better way for me to get here?

Because of my intensity, I was drawn to heroes who were just as if not more intense than I was. Which of course, only made my intensity worse. It's sad to see how easily people can be manipulated off a cliff or into a hole just because the leader is so passionate. History will back me up on that one. Passion. Passion is a wonderful, powerful thing. But when pointed in the wrong direction or masking an ill intentioned heart, it can be disastrous.

I've been the one who had passion working for him and I've been the one who's been duped by another man's passion. I used to think passion was enough. I used to pride myself on my drive and my crazy. Thinking because that one trait was miles greater than anyone I knew, it would compensate for everything else I was lacking.

Passion is beautiful. But it's only a piece. I know that now. And hopefully you will understand that no matter how amazing your natural tendencies are, they don't compensate for the places you lack. That doesn't mean you have to try to be someone you're not. Thats where community and relationships come in. We were never designed to see the whole picture with just one puzzle piece.

So, as I see the passionate man who I've looked up to for years post another thing I just don't agree with, I'm thankful for the times he "wore that cape" for me. My perspective of him and his perspectives on life helped me get where I am today. Even though I doubt he will ever play that role for me again, I'm still thankful for the time he did.

So if your heroes change along the way be careful not to turn them into villains. Remember the good times and the inspiration they once brought you. Nothing lasts forever. And nothing stays the same. Treasure the good moments and don't try to recreate the past.

Until next time...

A Paradigm Shift

A lot has happened over the journey of the past few months. My whole paradigm has shifted. And as is typical with huge shifts in paradigm it's easy to feel empty and hollow. Because what once was there to ground you and help you feel normal is gone. Leaving you floating, searching for an anchor of sorts.

The transition is always the hardest. The storms, the constant possibility of imminent disaster. But these are the very circumstances that create timeless stories that are told through the ages. These are the tales that forge heroes and villains alike.

I will start what I am about to share with an honest disclaimer. I am merely sharing my story, or a piece of it rather. There is no intent to manipulate or convince you of my perspective. I could care less if you agree but only hope that my perspective causes you to think and that it helps you to grow.

The journey I've been on has mainly been a spiriatul one. Chasing God and doing every thing I thought he wanted me to do. Why? Because I had encounter after encounter with him where he showed me he was real. I kept doing so he would keep coming. In my perspective I tried to earn his relationship. The funny thing is I didn't know that my mere existence had won his heart before I even had the ability to comprehend him.

I've been in and out of church circles, volunteered at various church groups, helped the homeless, chased every avenue of the supernatural I could find, all for a taste of him. All for just a touch of his love. The greater lengths I went to, the more I let myself receive of him. It worked for awhile. But, like any relationship it was hollow. There wasn't real intimacy or relationship. I was a really really good employee. That was it.

Somewhere in the past couple of months a few friends and some more unsought experiences brought me to the place where I've let go of chasing and trying to prove my love to God, whose heart was won by me the moment I existed. It doesn't make sense to me anymore. The rules. The hoops. The games we have to play just to appease him. I'm done. I'm done chasing and believing in a God who is so full of himself that our mistakes are the stench in his nostrils. I'm done living in fear and obligation always trying to be so put together for his sake and his name. I'm done trying to prove my love and earn his.

If that means I'm going to hell, if that makes me a heretic... we'll, ok. I'd rather be wrong than accept a reality where a God who is so loving is so bound by a book documenting his relationship with other humans. It's good history and let's study it. But I cannot believe their relationship with him is more important than my own with him anymore.

So, here's the conclusion I've come to: I'm not a Christian. It's oddly freeing saying that. I'm a guy who has a relationship with a God who apparently made everything. But, the face that he made everything is not all that fascinating to me. What fascinates me is that he is my friend. Faithful and always there. When I could only handle believing the perspective of him needing to be my boss, he played the role cuz that's what I needed then. He is the best friend a person could ever have.

Sure, this transition has had its ups and downs as all good stories do. But there is freedom and peace here unlike anything I've ever known. It's odd not being so compelled by doing what I feel like I have to do and trying to discover who I am and what I love all over again, but that's all going to be written and experienced in the chapters ahead.

Once again, this isn't to start a debate or convince anyone of anything. Many of you have asked why I've been silent on my page and have taken a step back from many things I've done previously. This is why. And as much as you can do digitally, this is me being transparent and inviting relationship and sharing my perspective with anyone who would care to hear it. Hopefully it's encouraging to you and not too offensive. To each of you who read this through, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time.