As I'm crawling into bed tonight, I find myself thinking back over the events of the day. Today I helped a couple friends move a couch into their apartment. I found myself riddled with excitement throughout the entire experience. But why? What made an evening moving furniture so amazing that I'm reminiscing and breaking down what happened today?
It wasn't the potion looking bottle of "organic" vodka they got me as a thank you and a bit of a joke. It wasn't the terrible traffic we were stuck in due to the beautiful storm happening while this whole adventure was underway. It wasn't even the storm itself, despite how much I love storms. It wasn't the tasty meal we had of amazing brick oven pizza. It wasn't the dogs jumping on me with excitement when I walked in their door. It wasn't the ride in the uhaul on the floor, even though I love to travel in odd ways.
It was tasting the beauty of something you cannot buy. A great time with authentic friends. You can find people to spend an evening with anywhere. But friendship, real friendship, the kind where it doesn't matter what you're doing or where you are you just enjoy each other, is hard to find. I've found myself these days becoming a connesseuir of finer things. And I can honestly say that one of the finest things I've found in life is honest friendship.
It doesn't take money, opportunity, fame, success, knowledge, connections, or anything other than the willingness to be a friend to someone to taste one of the most incredible things we can experience in life. So don't get too caught up trying to make your house immaculate, or rounding out your collection of whatever it is you collect. Don't get sucked into another episode of another TV show that only plays out friendship in front of you. Enjoy the people in your life NOW. Take the time to build those relationships and before long hopefully you will find yourself like I was today, happy as can be to be driving down the road to pick up a couch.
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Courage to Cross the Ocean
I was just doing some thinking tonight. About some of the journey I've been on and how I've literally had to start over more than once in the past couple years in one way or another.
Then I realized that my new foundation is being built with much better people. People who will encourage and support me to keep doing videos like Casie. People like Wes who don't hold back on feedback to help me grow. People like Charlene who've helped remind me that my work and work ethic is seen and valuable. People like Donald who show me that despite being in the shittiest hole, one can climb out and change their stars. People like my friend Chuck who could be so bitter about church and religion but instead uses his experience to help others avoid or shorten the time of pain and move right into enjoy life to the fullest. People like my brother, who despite my endless failures and mistakes that cost him, never stop loving me or showing up in my corner believing the best for me. People like my buddy Chad who is following his dreams despite what others may say and what it may cost him. Everyone in my life is an inspiration to me to be a better and better version of me each day.
On the financial side of things, I make more money now than I ever have in my life and there is only more headed my way.
With this perspective, I'd rewind back to that day I decided to throw it all away a few years ago. I would start over again if I knew it would bring me here.
My sister in law does calligraphy and water color painting. She made a piece of art for me with this quote, " You can never cross the ocean, unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Sometimes, if you want to taste another reality, you have to say goodbye to all you know and go for it. I cannot promise an easy journey or immediate results. But I can promise that at some point in your journey, if you truly commit and stay the course, you will say it is worth it.
Then I realized that my new foundation is being built with much better people. People who will encourage and support me to keep doing videos like Casie. People like Wes who don't hold back on feedback to help me grow. People like Charlene who've helped remind me that my work and work ethic is seen and valuable. People like Donald who show me that despite being in the shittiest hole, one can climb out and change their stars. People like my friend Chuck who could be so bitter about church and religion but instead uses his experience to help others avoid or shorten the time of pain and move right into enjoy life to the fullest. People like my brother, who despite my endless failures and mistakes that cost him, never stop loving me or showing up in my corner believing the best for me. People like my buddy Chad who is following his dreams despite what others may say and what it may cost him. Everyone in my life is an inspiration to me to be a better and better version of me each day.
On the financial side of things, I make more money now than I ever have in my life and there is only more headed my way.
With this perspective, I'd rewind back to that day I decided to throw it all away a few years ago. I would start over again if I knew it would bring me here.
My sister in law does calligraphy and water color painting. She made a piece of art for me with this quote, " You can never cross the ocean, unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
Sometimes, if you want to taste another reality, you have to say goodbye to all you know and go for it. I cannot promise an easy journey or immediate results. But I can promise that at some point in your journey, if you truly commit and stay the course, you will say it is worth it.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Making Excuses
Some days I get here. Some days I flounder in this place of mental sludge and mediocrity. Some days all my tricks to get out just seem to fall short of picking the lock to the door of this room I feel trapped in.
The truth is, I'm probably just tired. It's probably way too late for my mind and emotions to function properly, yet here I am. Awake. And functioning. So, I'm typing a rant. Something that will start meh, but by the end of it have some sort of positive twist to it. It always does. That's why you're here. Reading this right now. I guess I won't disappoint. I'll be sure to make sure I'm going somewhere with this by the time I finish.
Everything is good. Great even. Work is great. I'm excelling and growing there. Got my first gym membership this week. I guess I'm growing up. The house is coming together with new dishes, new tables and chairs, and new plans for 2017 to fill this house and build relationships.
I want to see people become the very best versions of themselves just by being in proximity to me. That's not arrogance that's determining purpose. I could care less if I get any credit. Especially public credit. I'd prefer that I don't, actually. I am built for the stage and spotlight, but I find myself more comfortable and pereferimg the backseat.
There are so many projects I have planned and started for this year. It should really be a fantastic year. Opportunities to invest in people and watch their lives change forever... nothing is more valuable to me. Helping people grow. I am more convinced now than ever that the very foundation of our existence is built upon relationship. Love is completely hollow and void without it. I truly believe that.
Ok, so maybe I lied. I still have no idea where I am going with this. But I'm not done yet so there's still time to wrap it up with a nice bow before the end.
I choose to remind myself and each of you tonight that hope is a choice. Faith and love, they are choices. So is hate. Or frustration. Yes things happen that may be frustrating. But it is our choice to stay in a state of frustration. Just as easily as we decide to choose frustration we can choose to laugh instead. Life is short and full of way to many reasons to get down, to be empty or sad. So start making excuses. Make excuses to laugh. Make excuses to forgive yourself. Make excuses to do what's right for you. Make an excuse to be proud of yourself. Go the extra mile to see yourself as you deserve to be seen. Even if no one else knows how to see you that way.
You are loved. You are beautiful. Your existence is inspiring. Your uniquness cannot be copied or rivaled by anyone. There is only one you. And if you hold back, or choose to be someone other than who you truly are, you rob the world of a special gift it can only have through you.
So loosen up. It will work out. If not in the way you expect this time around, then after you learn from this experience and apply what you've learned to your next try. You will succesed if you do not stop moving, if you choose not to stay down.
Regardless of whatever relationship we have, a friend, a family member, a reader who I've never personally met, I love you. Thank you for being who you are and gracing the world with your self.
Until next time...
The truth is, I'm probably just tired. It's probably way too late for my mind and emotions to function properly, yet here I am. Awake. And functioning. So, I'm typing a rant. Something that will start meh, but by the end of it have some sort of positive twist to it. It always does. That's why you're here. Reading this right now. I guess I won't disappoint. I'll be sure to make sure I'm going somewhere with this by the time I finish.
Everything is good. Great even. Work is great. I'm excelling and growing there. Got my first gym membership this week. I guess I'm growing up. The house is coming together with new dishes, new tables and chairs, and new plans for 2017 to fill this house and build relationships.
I want to see people become the very best versions of themselves just by being in proximity to me. That's not arrogance that's determining purpose. I could care less if I get any credit. Especially public credit. I'd prefer that I don't, actually. I am built for the stage and spotlight, but I find myself more comfortable and pereferimg the backseat.
There are so many projects I have planned and started for this year. It should really be a fantastic year. Opportunities to invest in people and watch their lives change forever... nothing is more valuable to me. Helping people grow. I am more convinced now than ever that the very foundation of our existence is built upon relationship. Love is completely hollow and void without it. I truly believe that.
Ok, so maybe I lied. I still have no idea where I am going with this. But I'm not done yet so there's still time to wrap it up with a nice bow before the end.
I choose to remind myself and each of you tonight that hope is a choice. Faith and love, they are choices. So is hate. Or frustration. Yes things happen that may be frustrating. But it is our choice to stay in a state of frustration. Just as easily as we decide to choose frustration we can choose to laugh instead. Life is short and full of way to many reasons to get down, to be empty or sad. So start making excuses. Make excuses to laugh. Make excuses to forgive yourself. Make excuses to do what's right for you. Make an excuse to be proud of yourself. Go the extra mile to see yourself as you deserve to be seen. Even if no one else knows how to see you that way.
You are loved. You are beautiful. Your existence is inspiring. Your uniquness cannot be copied or rivaled by anyone. There is only one you. And if you hold back, or choose to be someone other than who you truly are, you rob the world of a special gift it can only have through you.
So loosen up. It will work out. If not in the way you expect this time around, then after you learn from this experience and apply what you've learned to your next try. You will succesed if you do not stop moving, if you choose not to stay down.
Regardless of whatever relationship we have, a friend, a family member, a reader who I've never personally met, I love you. Thank you for being who you are and gracing the world with your self.
Until next time...
Saturday, December 10, 2016
Fears. The Lies We Face That Counter Reality
It's time for some transparency tonight. Partially to write out my thoughts so I can sort through them and partially to show anyone else in the same boat they are not alone.
What's my biggest fear? Ending up alone. And the dumbest part about it, the time I feel the weight of this irrationality is just after experiencing not being alone. For example, let's take today. I ended up going to to watch A Christmas Story in an old theater in Franklin. There happened to be a Christmas festival in the streets when we went as well. It was a great afternoon. After the movie we wandered around and grabbed dinner and the group of us just enjoyed each other's company. It was fantastic.
I walk back to the car and am on the road no less then a few minutes and the immediate lack of tangible company is a breeding ground for projecting irrational fears. That somehow im going to be miserable and have no community or relationships. That I'm going to be forgotten and not valued.
Now hold up. How dumb is that? I mean, come on. I was just with friends for an entire afternoon just a few minutes ago. On top of that, I make friends pretty easily. I enjoy pretty much everyone I get to know and somehow I believe that I'm going to be left stranded to rot on my own. Ya, it's pretty stupid. But the emotions that fuel this fire are very real. That's where i have to discern and be careful to not let the truth of what I feel out weigh the truth of my reality.
The truth is, me ending up alone and forgotten will only happen if I choose to make that my reality. If I let what I "feel", and the tangible truth that there is not a physical person here right now this minute, override the fact that I have loads of relationships just a text or phonecall away, that's on me. My reality is determined by ME. Sure I can focus on what I don't like about the stillness of the present moment or I can choose to focus on the great afternoon I just had. Or the next great adventure on my horizon.
I've heard it before a thousand times. What you focus on, multiplies. If you choose to focus on the irrational possibility that you'll end up miserable and alone, you may just defy the odds and make it happen.
So, the truth is this. I have wonderful relationships, yes plural, in my life. I couldn't get away with being alone if I tried. I am surrounded by people who love me too much to let me disappear. And chances are, so do you. But have you been focusing on the in between moments when you have some time to yourself? Are those the moments that fill your thoughts? Or are the good times surrounded by love and community what captivates you?
I guarantee you, whichever you choose you will see more of.
Thanks for taking the time to join me on this journey of my thoughts. Hopefully in some way they help or inspire you to enjoy everything that surrounds you.
What's my biggest fear? Ending up alone. And the dumbest part about it, the time I feel the weight of this irrationality is just after experiencing not being alone. For example, let's take today. I ended up going to to watch A Christmas Story in an old theater in Franklin. There happened to be a Christmas festival in the streets when we went as well. It was a great afternoon. After the movie we wandered around and grabbed dinner and the group of us just enjoyed each other's company. It was fantastic.
I walk back to the car and am on the road no less then a few minutes and the immediate lack of tangible company is a breeding ground for projecting irrational fears. That somehow im going to be miserable and have no community or relationships. That I'm going to be forgotten and not valued.
Now hold up. How dumb is that? I mean, come on. I was just with friends for an entire afternoon just a few minutes ago. On top of that, I make friends pretty easily. I enjoy pretty much everyone I get to know and somehow I believe that I'm going to be left stranded to rot on my own. Ya, it's pretty stupid. But the emotions that fuel this fire are very real. That's where i have to discern and be careful to not let the truth of what I feel out weigh the truth of my reality.
The truth is, me ending up alone and forgotten will only happen if I choose to make that my reality. If I let what I "feel", and the tangible truth that there is not a physical person here right now this minute, override the fact that I have loads of relationships just a text or phonecall away, that's on me. My reality is determined by ME. Sure I can focus on what I don't like about the stillness of the present moment or I can choose to focus on the great afternoon I just had. Or the next great adventure on my horizon.
I've heard it before a thousand times. What you focus on, multiplies. If you choose to focus on the irrational possibility that you'll end up miserable and alone, you may just defy the odds and make it happen.
So, the truth is this. I have wonderful relationships, yes plural, in my life. I couldn't get away with being alone if I tried. I am surrounded by people who love me too much to let me disappear. And chances are, so do you. But have you been focusing on the in between moments when you have some time to yourself? Are those the moments that fill your thoughts? Or are the good times surrounded by love and community what captivates you?
I guarantee you, whichever you choose you will see more of.
Thanks for taking the time to join me on this journey of my thoughts. Hopefully in some way they help or inspire you to enjoy everything that surrounds you.
Monday, December 5, 2016
As Your Heroes Change
As I'm lying in my bed tonight doing my traditional scroll through social media before I go to sleep I see yet another post from a hero who I used to look up to. I say used to, because I cannot look up to him like I once did. He no longer inspires me the way he did before.. The problem is, he didn't change. I did.
In my journey of trying to understand the divine, I didn't hold back. I was relentless and reckless along the way. I mean, it caused me to quit my jobs, travel across country in a breaking down vehicle with no plan and no money. The result has turned out great. I'm glad I got here. But the collateral damage has to beg the question, was there a better way for me to get here?
Because of my intensity, I was drawn to heroes who were just as if not more intense than I was. Which of course, only made my intensity worse. It's sad to see how easily people can be manipulated off a cliff or into a hole just because the leader is so passionate. History will back me up on that one. Passion. Passion is a wonderful, powerful thing. But when pointed in the wrong direction or masking an ill intentioned heart, it can be disastrous.
I've been the one who had passion working for him and I've been the one who's been duped by another man's passion. I used to think passion was enough. I used to pride myself on my drive and my crazy. Thinking because that one trait was miles greater than anyone I knew, it would compensate for everything else I was lacking.
Passion is beautiful. But it's only a piece. I know that now. And hopefully you will understand that no matter how amazing your natural tendencies are, they don't compensate for the places you lack. That doesn't mean you have to try to be someone you're not. Thats where community and relationships come in. We were never designed to see the whole picture with just one puzzle piece.
So, as I see the passionate man who I've looked up to for years post another thing I just don't agree with, I'm thankful for the times he "wore that cape" for me. My perspective of him and his perspectives on life helped me get where I am today. Even though I doubt he will ever play that role for me again, I'm still thankful for the time he did.
So if your heroes change along the way be careful not to turn them into villains. Remember the good times and the inspiration they once brought you. Nothing lasts forever. And nothing stays the same. Treasure the good moments and don't try to recreate the past.
Until next time...
In my journey of trying to understand the divine, I didn't hold back. I was relentless and reckless along the way. I mean, it caused me to quit my jobs, travel across country in a breaking down vehicle with no plan and no money. The result has turned out great. I'm glad I got here. But the collateral damage has to beg the question, was there a better way for me to get here?
Because of my intensity, I was drawn to heroes who were just as if not more intense than I was. Which of course, only made my intensity worse. It's sad to see how easily people can be manipulated off a cliff or into a hole just because the leader is so passionate. History will back me up on that one. Passion. Passion is a wonderful, powerful thing. But when pointed in the wrong direction or masking an ill intentioned heart, it can be disastrous.
I've been the one who had passion working for him and I've been the one who's been duped by another man's passion. I used to think passion was enough. I used to pride myself on my drive and my crazy. Thinking because that one trait was miles greater than anyone I knew, it would compensate for everything else I was lacking.
Passion is beautiful. But it's only a piece. I know that now. And hopefully you will understand that no matter how amazing your natural tendencies are, they don't compensate for the places you lack. That doesn't mean you have to try to be someone you're not. Thats where community and relationships come in. We were never designed to see the whole picture with just one puzzle piece.
So, as I see the passionate man who I've looked up to for years post another thing I just don't agree with, I'm thankful for the times he "wore that cape" for me. My perspective of him and his perspectives on life helped me get where I am today. Even though I doubt he will ever play that role for me again, I'm still thankful for the time he did.
So if your heroes change along the way be careful not to turn them into villains. Remember the good times and the inspiration they once brought you. Nothing lasts forever. And nothing stays the same. Treasure the good moments and don't try to recreate the past.
Until next time...
Friday, November 18, 2016
A Paradigm Shift
A lot has happened over the journey of the past few months. My whole paradigm has shifted. And as is typical with huge shifts in paradigm it's easy to feel empty and hollow. Because what once was there to ground you and help you feel normal is gone. Leaving you floating, searching for an anchor of sorts.
The transition is always the hardest. The storms, the constant possibility of imminent disaster. But these are the very circumstances that create timeless stories that are told through the ages. These are the tales that forge heroes and villains alike.
I will start what I am about to share with an honest disclaimer. I am merely sharing my story, or a piece of it rather. There is no intent to manipulate or convince you of my perspective. I could care less if you agree but only hope that my perspective causes you to think and that it helps you to grow.
The journey I've been on has mainly been a spiriatul one. Chasing God and doing every thing I thought he wanted me to do. Why? Because I had encounter after encounter with him where he showed me he was real. I kept doing so he would keep coming. In my perspective I tried to earn his relationship. The funny thing is I didn't know that my mere existence had won his heart before I even had the ability to comprehend him.
I've been in and out of church circles, volunteered at various church groups, helped the homeless, chased every avenue of the supernatural I could find, all for a taste of him. All for just a touch of his love. The greater lengths I went to, the more I let myself receive of him. It worked for awhile. But, like any relationship it was hollow. There wasn't real intimacy or relationship. I was a really really good employee. That was it.
Somewhere in the past couple of months a few friends and some more unsought experiences brought me to the place where I've let go of chasing and trying to prove my love to God, whose heart was won by me the moment I existed. It doesn't make sense to me anymore. The rules. The hoops. The games we have to play just to appease him. I'm done. I'm done chasing and believing in a God who is so full of himself that our mistakes are the stench in his nostrils. I'm done living in fear and obligation always trying to be so put together for his sake and his name. I'm done trying to prove my love and earn his.
If that means I'm going to hell, if that makes me a heretic... we'll, ok. I'd rather be wrong than accept a reality where a God who is so loving is so bound by a book documenting his relationship with other humans. It's good history and let's study it. But I cannot believe their relationship with him is more important than my own with him anymore.
So, here's the conclusion I've come to: I'm not a Christian. It's oddly freeing saying that. I'm a guy who has a relationship with a God who apparently made everything. But, the face that he made everything is not all that fascinating to me. What fascinates me is that he is my friend. Faithful and always there. When I could only handle believing the perspective of him needing to be my boss, he played the role cuz that's what I needed then. He is the best friend a person could ever have.
Sure, this transition has had its ups and downs as all good stories do. But there is freedom and peace here unlike anything I've ever known. It's odd not being so compelled by doing what I feel like I have to do and trying to discover who I am and what I love all over again, but that's all going to be written and experienced in the chapters ahead.
Once again, this isn't to start a debate or convince anyone of anything. Many of you have asked why I've been silent on my page and have taken a step back from many things I've done previously. This is why. And as much as you can do digitally, this is me being transparent and inviting relationship and sharing my perspective with anyone who would care to hear it. Hopefully it's encouraging to you and not too offensive. To each of you who read this through, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time.
The transition is always the hardest. The storms, the constant possibility of imminent disaster. But these are the very circumstances that create timeless stories that are told through the ages. These are the tales that forge heroes and villains alike.
I will start what I am about to share with an honest disclaimer. I am merely sharing my story, or a piece of it rather. There is no intent to manipulate or convince you of my perspective. I could care less if you agree but only hope that my perspective causes you to think and that it helps you to grow.
The journey I've been on has mainly been a spiriatul one. Chasing God and doing every thing I thought he wanted me to do. Why? Because I had encounter after encounter with him where he showed me he was real. I kept doing so he would keep coming. In my perspective I tried to earn his relationship. The funny thing is I didn't know that my mere existence had won his heart before I even had the ability to comprehend him.
I've been in and out of church circles, volunteered at various church groups, helped the homeless, chased every avenue of the supernatural I could find, all for a taste of him. All for just a touch of his love. The greater lengths I went to, the more I let myself receive of him. It worked for awhile. But, like any relationship it was hollow. There wasn't real intimacy or relationship. I was a really really good employee. That was it.
Somewhere in the past couple of months a few friends and some more unsought experiences brought me to the place where I've let go of chasing and trying to prove my love to God, whose heart was won by me the moment I existed. It doesn't make sense to me anymore. The rules. The hoops. The games we have to play just to appease him. I'm done. I'm done chasing and believing in a God who is so full of himself that our mistakes are the stench in his nostrils. I'm done living in fear and obligation always trying to be so put together for his sake and his name. I'm done trying to prove my love and earn his.
If that means I'm going to hell, if that makes me a heretic... we'll, ok. I'd rather be wrong than accept a reality where a God who is so loving is so bound by a book documenting his relationship with other humans. It's good history and let's study it. But I cannot believe their relationship with him is more important than my own with him anymore.
So, here's the conclusion I've come to: I'm not a Christian. It's oddly freeing saying that. I'm a guy who has a relationship with a God who apparently made everything. But, the face that he made everything is not all that fascinating to me. What fascinates me is that he is my friend. Faithful and always there. When I could only handle believing the perspective of him needing to be my boss, he played the role cuz that's what I needed then. He is the best friend a person could ever have.
Sure, this transition has had its ups and downs as all good stories do. But there is freedom and peace here unlike anything I've ever known. It's odd not being so compelled by doing what I feel like I have to do and trying to discover who I am and what I love all over again, but that's all going to be written and experienced in the chapters ahead.
Once again, this isn't to start a debate or convince anyone of anything. Many of you have asked why I've been silent on my page and have taken a step back from many things I've done previously. This is why. And as much as you can do digitally, this is me being transparent and inviting relationship and sharing my perspective with anyone who would care to hear it. Hopefully it's encouraging to you and not too offensive. To each of you who read this through, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Freedom Within
The past few weeks have been some of the most trying yet, defining moments of my life. So much so, that I don't think that I can even grasp the depth of what's happened. And if I'm honest, its not just the past few weeks, its the culmination of what has happened the past few years.
Some of you have heard a version of my story before, and there's not time to tell it all here. Nor am I ready to write every detail of it all down quite yet. That's something to be experienced in person over a meal, a beer, coffee, whatever your social setting of choice is. But here are some of the points in the journey that have brought me to such a pivotal point thus far.
A few years ago I was on the brink of ending it all. Which, I've found out is typically a good indicator of the potential for a massive change of direction in your life. Because in those moments, in those moments is when you cannot hide from the reality you currently reside in. It is face to face with you and you have to do something. You can no longer go on as is. Many people don't know how to or cannot comprehend the idea of change. So they are forced to take the only option they think possible... To end their reality as they know it indefinitely.
I was at one of these crossroads a few years back. It was late, my ex unexpectedly came over to see my roommates (we were all friends) and that brought up too much hurt for me to handle. So, naturally, I thought i would drown my sorrows in a few drinks. If you've been there, you know its never worth it and it never works. All it did that night was to bring me to my crossroads where I had to acknowledge all my pain. Not just the pain from my ex leaving me, but all the pain I had been running from for over 20 years.
Needless to say, it was far more than i could handle. And, to be honest, I didn't even realize nor could i comprehend the depth of what was going on in that moment. I snuck away from my friends at the bar and walked a couple blocks to the bridge which I planned to throw myself off. I texted a friend saying i was done and turned off my phone so he couldn't talk me out of what i was about to do. The next thing I remember... I was in my room, throwing my phone. Angry that I was still in pain and I passed out in bed.
The next morning I woke up empty. Hollow. How could I go back to the way things were when I finally saw all that i was ignoring and said it was too much? I couldn't. I had tried to find hope or happiness so many times and now here I was a failure at even being able to turn off the pain. I'm a fast paced individual and rarely stop. That started because I had to run from what I couldn't recognize. Since then, it stems from a hunger for life and the desire to experience everything I possibly can. Anyways, I laid in bed in this empty state for 4 hours. It may not seem long to you but it was an eternity.
But... Then I got a text from a friend asking me to come to "this thing" in my town that evening. I didn't even care to find out what it was. I needed to get out of this stagnant state I was in. I agreed and a few hours later I found myself at church. In another worship service, listening to another guy speak. I grew up in church and knew this scene well. It promised hope, happiness, freedom, joy. Yet rarely if ever delivered. Hence why I found myself in a bar the night before looking for something real. Something tangible. But it wasn't laying in my bed depressed and alone not moving. So, I was there.
When the speaker got up to speak, something was different. I mean, I had done all of this before. But my previous experience with church and God was that of a scientist studying something and reporting their factual findings to you. This was different. This was a man who had actually met God and His very essence came with this man as he spoke. As in many services, the invitation was given to come up front and "give your life to God". I had seen this 100 times before and saw the same people going up again and again out of a place of broken insecurity needing to be validated in their "relationship with God" by getting the warming attention and affection of church members who would on cue flock them and validate their "conversion". It was unauthentic and I wanted nothing to do with that.
But there I was, two words into him inviting people to come and i was shuffling out of my row and running down the isle. That night everything changed. I stood there for 45 minutes in the presence of a God, a being, a Father who this speaker knew and who he said wanted to meet me. The authenticity and realness of Him was so loudly evident. My body was there in that church building, but for the first time I felt free. My spirit was soaring. Many of the things I had grown up to hear over and over in church started to make sense.
I went home that night and told God after meeting him and finding that he was real, "You can have my life. Take it all. Whatever that looks like. I want you." Within 24 hours my band disbanded. And not by my choice. At the time I had built music as my identity. I identified myself as a musician, as a singer, as a band guy instead of identifying myself as a son.
The next thing to go about a month later were my jobs. I spent all my free time talking to and conversing with this... being... this real person who loved me that when he asked me to quit my jobs, I did. I had no idea what was coming. I had no idea what was next. But I knew that he would take care of me. (Now, I'm sharing my experience. Please do not feel that in order to have a journey with God you need to stop practicing your talents and stop working. This is merely my account and my story.)
Fast forward another couple of months and I found myself in a car with a friend on my way to Nashville. No plans. No money. But we made it. Once I got here, there was setup after setup to find the right people. Masterfully, intricately like a skilled surgeon God was slowly expanding my idea of him and simultaneously erasing the things I believed about him that were not true. Along the journey there were many times I missed and got it wrong, but his grace was so big to cover it. Friends I mistakenly hurt and took advantage of. Lives I temporarily sidetracked thinking it was ok because I was "called by God" and "anointed".
Somewhere in the past couple of weeks through some conversations with a good friend of mine, the pieces finally came together. I'm not saying I have everything figured out, that would be super arrogant of me. But I do know that all things that don't make sense about God, don't make sense for a reason. And typically because they are not true. I know that when Jesus died, it was all paid and finished then. Not when I acknowledged it. Then. Which means, I'm free. I've been a son all along and that was the whole point. I chased dreams and prophetic words but it was all missing the point. I'm a son of the Creator of all things. And not only that, but he loves me extravagantly like no one else could. The freedom I have is incomparable to anything else.
Today is the last day of "yesterdays". Today is the last day I define myself by anything I can do or have done. That chapter has ended. Yes, I know I'm basically at the point of tabling everything I once believed and letting the one who calls himself Love teach me everything from beginning to end. Yes, I know that all there is in front of me is unknown. But it is the most exciting, wonderful thing I've ever known. Here's to the past. But, more importantly, here's to the glorious unknown. Here's to the new day. The clean slate I get to wake up with everyday. Nothing is hanging over my head. Nothing but love and freedom and endless possibility.
I'm not going to disrespect you by trying to sell you anything or convince you of my experience. My intent is to share my journey in hopes that it brings some freedom and hope to your life. That if you find yourself looking into the mirror for the first time and are force to a crossroads of change, you can do it. It's scary, but that's what makes a good story or great adventure. Without risk, without danger, or the unknown, there would be no growth or great story on the other side. Keep fighting. Keep going. Keep living your journey. It may be today, it may be tomorrow. It may be a few years from now. But one day you will look back and see that what looked like the darkest days where actually some of the most pivotal and significant days of your life. Carry on friends.
With Love,
-Tony Skinner
Some of you have heard a version of my story before, and there's not time to tell it all here. Nor am I ready to write every detail of it all down quite yet. That's something to be experienced in person over a meal, a beer, coffee, whatever your social setting of choice is. But here are some of the points in the journey that have brought me to such a pivotal point thus far.
A few years ago I was on the brink of ending it all. Which, I've found out is typically a good indicator of the potential for a massive change of direction in your life. Because in those moments, in those moments is when you cannot hide from the reality you currently reside in. It is face to face with you and you have to do something. You can no longer go on as is. Many people don't know how to or cannot comprehend the idea of change. So they are forced to take the only option they think possible... To end their reality as they know it indefinitely.
I was at one of these crossroads a few years back. It was late, my ex unexpectedly came over to see my roommates (we were all friends) and that brought up too much hurt for me to handle. So, naturally, I thought i would drown my sorrows in a few drinks. If you've been there, you know its never worth it and it never works. All it did that night was to bring me to my crossroads where I had to acknowledge all my pain. Not just the pain from my ex leaving me, but all the pain I had been running from for over 20 years.
Needless to say, it was far more than i could handle. And, to be honest, I didn't even realize nor could i comprehend the depth of what was going on in that moment. I snuck away from my friends at the bar and walked a couple blocks to the bridge which I planned to throw myself off. I texted a friend saying i was done and turned off my phone so he couldn't talk me out of what i was about to do. The next thing I remember... I was in my room, throwing my phone. Angry that I was still in pain and I passed out in bed.
The next morning I woke up empty. Hollow. How could I go back to the way things were when I finally saw all that i was ignoring and said it was too much? I couldn't. I had tried to find hope or happiness so many times and now here I was a failure at even being able to turn off the pain. I'm a fast paced individual and rarely stop. That started because I had to run from what I couldn't recognize. Since then, it stems from a hunger for life and the desire to experience everything I possibly can. Anyways, I laid in bed in this empty state for 4 hours. It may not seem long to you but it was an eternity.
But... Then I got a text from a friend asking me to come to "this thing" in my town that evening. I didn't even care to find out what it was. I needed to get out of this stagnant state I was in. I agreed and a few hours later I found myself at church. In another worship service, listening to another guy speak. I grew up in church and knew this scene well. It promised hope, happiness, freedom, joy. Yet rarely if ever delivered. Hence why I found myself in a bar the night before looking for something real. Something tangible. But it wasn't laying in my bed depressed and alone not moving. So, I was there.
When the speaker got up to speak, something was different. I mean, I had done all of this before. But my previous experience with church and God was that of a scientist studying something and reporting their factual findings to you. This was different. This was a man who had actually met God and His very essence came with this man as he spoke. As in many services, the invitation was given to come up front and "give your life to God". I had seen this 100 times before and saw the same people going up again and again out of a place of broken insecurity needing to be validated in their "relationship with God" by getting the warming attention and affection of church members who would on cue flock them and validate their "conversion". It was unauthentic and I wanted nothing to do with that.
But there I was, two words into him inviting people to come and i was shuffling out of my row and running down the isle. That night everything changed. I stood there for 45 minutes in the presence of a God, a being, a Father who this speaker knew and who he said wanted to meet me. The authenticity and realness of Him was so loudly evident. My body was there in that church building, but for the first time I felt free. My spirit was soaring. Many of the things I had grown up to hear over and over in church started to make sense.
I went home that night and told God after meeting him and finding that he was real, "You can have my life. Take it all. Whatever that looks like. I want you." Within 24 hours my band disbanded. And not by my choice. At the time I had built music as my identity. I identified myself as a musician, as a singer, as a band guy instead of identifying myself as a son.
The next thing to go about a month later were my jobs. I spent all my free time talking to and conversing with this... being... this real person who loved me that when he asked me to quit my jobs, I did. I had no idea what was coming. I had no idea what was next. But I knew that he would take care of me. (Now, I'm sharing my experience. Please do not feel that in order to have a journey with God you need to stop practicing your talents and stop working. This is merely my account and my story.)
Fast forward another couple of months and I found myself in a car with a friend on my way to Nashville. No plans. No money. But we made it. Once I got here, there was setup after setup to find the right people. Masterfully, intricately like a skilled surgeon God was slowly expanding my idea of him and simultaneously erasing the things I believed about him that were not true. Along the journey there were many times I missed and got it wrong, but his grace was so big to cover it. Friends I mistakenly hurt and took advantage of. Lives I temporarily sidetracked thinking it was ok because I was "called by God" and "anointed".
Somewhere in the past couple of weeks through some conversations with a good friend of mine, the pieces finally came together. I'm not saying I have everything figured out, that would be super arrogant of me. But I do know that all things that don't make sense about God, don't make sense for a reason. And typically because they are not true. I know that when Jesus died, it was all paid and finished then. Not when I acknowledged it. Then. Which means, I'm free. I've been a son all along and that was the whole point. I chased dreams and prophetic words but it was all missing the point. I'm a son of the Creator of all things. And not only that, but he loves me extravagantly like no one else could. The freedom I have is incomparable to anything else.
Today is the last day of "yesterdays". Today is the last day I define myself by anything I can do or have done. That chapter has ended. Yes, I know I'm basically at the point of tabling everything I once believed and letting the one who calls himself Love teach me everything from beginning to end. Yes, I know that all there is in front of me is unknown. But it is the most exciting, wonderful thing I've ever known. Here's to the past. But, more importantly, here's to the glorious unknown. Here's to the new day. The clean slate I get to wake up with everyday. Nothing is hanging over my head. Nothing but love and freedom and endless possibility.
I'm not going to disrespect you by trying to sell you anything or convince you of my experience. My intent is to share my journey in hopes that it brings some freedom and hope to your life. That if you find yourself looking into the mirror for the first time and are force to a crossroads of change, you can do it. It's scary, but that's what makes a good story or great adventure. Without risk, without danger, or the unknown, there would be no growth or great story on the other side. Keep fighting. Keep going. Keep living your journey. It may be today, it may be tomorrow. It may be a few years from now. But one day you will look back and see that what looked like the darkest days where actually some of the most pivotal and significant days of your life. Carry on friends.
With Love,
-Tony Skinner
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)