Where Do I Go From Here?

I've written about my journey before, but tonight I decided I'm ready to share some more. Where better place to start a story than in the beginning? I grew up in a Christian home. I only knew a little of a world other than the world of my childhood. The world where I was home schooled and the small church groups I would go to when we left the house a couple times a week. I knew no other possible reality than the one I was presented with day in and day out for the majority of my first 20 years of life.

It's funny looking back how almost every person in those circles vilified asking questions. If someone challenged how something was done or tried to understand the "why" behind the behavior they were instantly demonized and thrown out as a heretic for having an original or different idea. Even the ones who mostly agreed with each other found nuances of things to disagree on. And like the good Christian i was raised to be, I pointed the finger and agreed.

Maybe it was my youth pastor who seemed to care more about building his brand and creating fun videos than actually answering the questions we had. Maybe it was the militant requirement to be at church every time the doors were open combined with the implied fear that we were going to let God down if we missed a single service. Maybe it was the friends I played music with who swore but still showed love, sometimes more love than the people who policed it. Maybe it was when I blindly followed what at the time I thought to be God across the country to do great things because he "needed" me to, and things didn't pan out like I had imagined. Maybe it was getting thrown out of a leadership position in ministry because I refused to let friends be falsely accused behind their back. (For the record, I handled that situation poorly, but never once was I talked to politely or given feedback or instruction, maybe it was then too.) Maybe it was getting shunned for believing something different, something bigger. Maybe it was when I was manipulated and physically taken advantage of by someone who I trusted as a leader and "guru". Whenever "the moment" was, I'm not sure. Maybe it was a collection of all these moments and more, but at some point, the whole thing broke.

At some point in the past year or so, I turned my back on religion. It was too broken, too corrupt. Things misunderstood and manufactured to control people and not inspire and encourage them. The whole system I grew up in that taught me unconditional love is the most powerful thing in existence (which I still believe) but then laid out all these conditions for people to receive it...

I've been able to tell myself for about a year now. I've been able to tell a couple  friends where I'm truly at for a few months. But I'm honestly just ready to say it, "I'm not a Christian anymore." Which has been a really rough road. That was all I had ever known. It has been ridiculously scary taking this journey and jumping out into the world daring to see it differently. All while dealing with the conditioning that meant choosing to look at the world and people differently was going to damn me and them to hell forever.

So where does that leave me now? That's been the hard question I realized today. My zeal for "God" fueled me in everything I did. When I didn't have tangible progress, I told myself its OK, the pain, the sacrifice is worth it, because it's for God and he needs me. Without that, days where I fail and learn are much harder. I no longer have a blanket statement of ignorant belief to cover my failure and actions.

I'm left OBSESSED with building great things. This crazy journey to "create an empire for God" has left me trying to just create an empire. And I'm sure I will one day. I can't remember the first time I left a job or town or circle of friends to pursue the next dream or opportunity. But I can remember that almost every time I make a move, people have told me something along the lines of "Don't forget about me when you're rich and famous." It's interesting to me that almost everyone I knew, saw that in me far before I saw it in myself.

Maybe destiny, the universe, God, has a crazy plan for me to build an empire after all. Haha, who knows? All I know is that I have to move forward. This post, is my way of washing my hands of the past. Not the lessons. Not the memories. Just my attachment to the past.

To those who have been here through the transition, and loved me unconditionally. To those who have spent hours listening to me talk my way through this. To those who graciously offered me advice and gave me the safe space to think differently without judgment, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I owe coming out on the other side of this alive to you all.

To those who said I would never succeed, who left me when I needed you, who took from me when I had nothing left to give. Thank you too. Thank you for the lessons along the way. I know without each one of you I wouldn't be half the man I am. My strength wouldn't be what it is without you. So, no hard feelings. You didn't know you were playing the role you were meant to play. But damn, did you play it well.

What I've learned in the past few years is that life is a journey. Things don't stay the same. The only constant is change. So enjoy and spend every minute you get, every day. Invest in yourself. Invest in your life. Invest in those around you. Create better things. Don't complain about the shit. Learn from it and do something about it. I guess that's were I'm headed from here.

I'm SO excited to see what happens next.