Fears. The Lies We Face That Counter Reality

It's time for some transparency tonight. Partially to write out my thoughts so I can sort through them and partially to show anyone else in the same boat they are not alone.

What's my biggest fear? Ending up alone. And the dumbest part about it, the time I feel the weight of this irrationality is just after experiencing not being alone. For example, let's take today. I ended up going to to watch A Christmas Story in an old theater in Franklin. There happened to be a Christmas festival in the streets when we went as well. It was a great afternoon. After the movie we wandered around and grabbed dinner and the group of us just enjoyed each other's company. It was fantastic.

I walk back to the car and am on the road no less then a few minutes and the immediate lack of tangible company is a breeding ground for projecting irrational fears. That somehow im going to be miserable and have no community or relationships. That I'm going to be forgotten and not valued.

Now hold up. How dumb is that? I mean, come on. I was just with friends for an entire afternoon just a few minutes ago. On top of that, I make friends pretty easily. I enjoy pretty much everyone I get to know and somehow I believe that I'm going to be left stranded to rot on my own. Ya, it's pretty stupid. But the emotions that fuel this fire are very real. That's where i have to discern and be careful to not let the truth of what I feel out weigh the truth of my reality.

The truth is, me ending up alone and forgotten will only happen if I choose to make that my reality. If I let what I "feel", and the tangible truth that there is not a physical person here right now this minute, override the fact that I have loads of relationships just a text or phonecall away, that's on me. My reality is determined by ME. Sure I can focus on what I don't like about the stillness of the present moment or I can choose to focus on the great afternoon I just had. Or the next great adventure on my horizon.

I've heard it before a thousand times. What you focus on, multiplies. If you choose to focus on the irrational possibility that you'll end up miserable and alone, you may just defy the odds and make it happen.

So, the truth is this. I have wonderful relationships, yes plural, in my life. I couldn't get away with being alone if I tried. I am surrounded by people who love me too much to let me disappear. And chances are, so do you. But have you been focusing on the in between moments when you have some time to yourself? Are those the moments that fill your thoughts? Or are the good times surrounded by love and community what captivates you?

I guarantee you, whichever you choose you will see more of.

Thanks for taking the time to join me on this journey of my thoughts. Hopefully in some way they help or inspire you to enjoy everything that surrounds you.

As Your Heroes Change

As I'm lying in my bed tonight doing my traditional scroll through social media before I go to sleep I see yet another post from a hero who I used to look up to. I say used to, because I cannot look up to him like I once did. He no longer inspires me the way he did before.. The problem is, he didn't change. I did.

In my journey of trying to understand the divine, I didn't hold back. I was relentless and reckless along the way. I mean, it caused me to quit my jobs, travel across country in a breaking down vehicle with no plan and no money. The result has turned out great. I'm glad I got here. But the collateral damage has to beg the question, was there a better way for me to get here?

Because of my intensity, I was drawn to heroes who were just as if not more intense than I was. Which of course, only made my intensity worse. It's sad to see how easily people can be manipulated off a cliff or into a hole just because the leader is so passionate. History will back me up on that one. Passion. Passion is a wonderful, powerful thing. But when pointed in the wrong direction or masking an ill intentioned heart, it can be disastrous.

I've been the one who had passion working for him and I've been the one who's been duped by another man's passion. I used to think passion was enough. I used to pride myself on my drive and my crazy. Thinking because that one trait was miles greater than anyone I knew, it would compensate for everything else I was lacking.

Passion is beautiful. But it's only a piece. I know that now. And hopefully you will understand that no matter how amazing your natural tendencies are, they don't compensate for the places you lack. That doesn't mean you have to try to be someone you're not. Thats where community and relationships come in. We were never designed to see the whole picture with just one puzzle piece.

So, as I see the passionate man who I've looked up to for years post another thing I just don't agree with, I'm thankful for the times he "wore that cape" for me. My perspective of him and his perspectives on life helped me get where I am today. Even though I doubt he will ever play that role for me again, I'm still thankful for the time he did.

So if your heroes change along the way be careful not to turn them into villains. Remember the good times and the inspiration they once brought you. Nothing lasts forever. And nothing stays the same. Treasure the good moments and don't try to recreate the past.

Until next time...