The Darkness Is Real

It's Friday, May 27th. Just a few days before June hits. I've been fighting depression and the loudest demonic influence I can remember. I feel the dark cloud that surrounds me. Sometimes I can feel something(s) holding me down, a literal physical weight. There is a weight on my mind. So much so that sometimes I phase out or stop what I'm doing because my mind is cloudy.

I don't know why I'm afraid of God. I fear his presence now. It was all I longed for and nothing satisfies me like it... except now I'm also terrified of it. Maybe it's not his presence I fear, but the vulnerability it requires. After being taken advantage of by someone I trusted some months ago, I'm riddled with fear. I've instinctively put up so many walls, I can't count them all, much less figure out how to get them down.

The spiritual realm is very real. I've tasted the goodness of God and the fruit of the kingdom of heaven. On the other end of the spectrum lies the things I described earlier.

This will end. The truth is, it already has. Jesus won the victory and has indefinitely extended that victory to me. I just have to persevere until the truth of that reality is seen again in my life. Just because I don't see it today, doesn't make it untrue. Faith is knowing for certain the things you cannot see. Heck, maybe this is all just an exercise to display my faith. Who knows.

The above is today's journal entry. Bleak, I know. But I want to illuminate the struggle I'm in right now. Not to point a finger at me or to ask for help or anything. But to encourage you. Everyone tells me I encourage so well. This is why. Because I truly understand the other side and what one needs to hear to come out of it and make it through another day. My struggle is very real. I'm just a human like the rest of you. I'm just a son who knows the truth and refuses to let go of it even when it doesn't add up quite yet in my life. Because one day it will. Hopefully this gives someone some hope and encouragement.

Whatever hell youre stuck in right now. Will end. IT WILL END! There is always hope. Hang in there friends. The worst is almost over. The best is still to come.